The Smoking Snorlax

A couple months ago I met this guy through okcupid. Let's call him Snorlax. 

We exchanged a number of texts and he seemed clever, funny and interesting.

I read his profile, it said he was a smoker, "only when drinking", so I thought, regardless, I'll give this a try. I didn't think much of it.

We made plans to meet at the dive sports bar down the street from my house. I was able to walk there.

So, I arrive and sit down and order a drink. I look around, can't find the guy. He comes out of the bathroom and I'm taken aback because he is 75lbs heavier and has completely gray hair, which is the opposite of what his photo looked like. 

He comes over, I introduce myself and he sits down next to me. When I lean in, I realize he has already been smoking and drinking. So, I call him out on it, I ask how many drinks he has had. He says, oh I had a couple with dinner. I said, how many? He says, 2-3 and I say, seems more like 4 or 5. And he says maybe.  He reeks of cigarettes. Super turn off.

As we sit there, the bartender (who is in her twenties, blond and petite) comes over and asks if we want anything. As she walks away, he totally checks her out. I say, dude, take a picture, it will last longer. He denies looking at her, then says, yeah she's cute, but she has no butt.

I know, I should have left at that point. I did not.

We go to play pool and he has 2 more drinks. He then states that he has a 9 year old daughter. Which I was not aware of. 

Then he says he's in the music business, but that's his side gig. He is a real estate broker full time. 

He has another drink and by this time he's getting wasted. I think maybe he's had about 7-8 drinks by now.

He disappears every once in a while to go outside and smoke. There is some really interesting clientele in this place, so I'm thinking, crap, I gotta get out of here if he's going to leave me sitting alone.

I finally tell him I'm going home. He says he can't drive and he's going to sleep on my patio.  I tell him no, sleep in your car. He says he doesn't want to leave his car in the bar parking lot. He says please drive it to your apartment parking lot. I say ok, it's like one minute away and I was ok to drive. 

We drive up there and I park and I glance over and somewhere, somehow, in the car, he had located a can of Fosters Lager. He's drinking it! I was like, wtf?

We get out and start walking toward my apartment and I tell him he can stay until he sobers up. He says ok. As we're walking, he throws his can in the bushes and I'm like, you asshole, what are you doing? I pick the can up and carry it to my house.

We get to my house and he starts looking for more alcohol. I don't have any, so I tell him to get away from me.

I am being super mean, I mean SUPER MEAN to this man all night and he doesn't seem to get it, or he actually likes it. It's so bizarre.

I say, hey, I'm going to make up the couch for you so you can stay for a couple hours. As I'm making up the couch, he goes and lies on my bed. He immediately falls asleep and is snoring SOOOOOOO loudly. I go in and I start shaking him and calling his name. He will NOT wake up. He just snores and sort of moves a bit.

So, I go lie on the couch. Every hour I try to wake him up. Finally, at 4am, I get him to wake up. He is just grossing me out.  He smells like cigarettes and beer.

He leaves, I have to wash everything on my bed to get the smell out...

THEN, he texts me later and says, hey, do you want to hang out later? I wish I would have kept the text message because I ripped him a new one. 

I wrote something to the effect of, "You showed up drunk to the date, you continually smoked, you reeked, you checked out the waitress in front of me, I paid for my drinks and yours, you slept in my bed like a complete jerk and then you wouldn't wake up. Yeah, I totally want to go out with you again."

His response, "lol, you're funny."

Sigh.