The Smoking Snorlax

A couple months ago I met this guy through okcupid. Let's call him Snorlax. 

We exchanged a number of texts and he seemed clever, funny and interesting.

I read his profile, it said he was a smoker, "only when drinking", so I thought, regardless, I'll give this a try. I didn't think much of it.

We made plans to meet at the dive sports bar down the street from my house. I was able to walk there.

So, I arrive and sit down and order a drink. I look around, can't find the guy. He comes out of the bathroom and I'm taken aback because he is 75lbs heavier and has completely gray hair, which is the opposite of what his photo looked like. 

He comes over, I introduce myself and he sits down next to me. When I lean in, I realize he has already been smoking and drinking. So, I call him out on it, I ask how many drinks he has had. He says, oh I had a couple with dinner. I said, how many? He says, 2-3 and I say, seems more like 4 or 5. And he says maybe.  He reeks of cigarettes. Super turn off.

As we sit there, the bartender (who is in her twenties, blond and petite) comes over and asks if we want anything. As she walks away, he totally checks her out. I say, dude, take a picture, it will last longer. He denies looking at her, then says, yeah she's cute, but she has no butt.

I know, I should have left at that point. I did not.

We go to play pool and he has 2 more drinks. He then states that he has a 9 year old daughter. Which I was not aware of. 

Then he says he's in the music business, but that's his side gig. He is a real estate broker full time. 

He has another drink and by this time he's getting wasted. I think maybe he's had about 7-8 drinks by now.

He disappears every once in a while to go outside and smoke. There is some really interesting clientele in this place, so I'm thinking, crap, I gotta get out of here if he's going to leave me sitting alone.

I finally tell him I'm going home. He says he can't drive and he's going to sleep on my patio.  I tell him no, sleep in your car. He says he doesn't want to leave his car in the bar parking lot. He says please drive it to your apartment parking lot. I say ok, it's like one minute away and I was ok to drive. 

We drive up there and I park and I glance over and somewhere, somehow, in the car, he had located a can of Fosters Lager. He's drinking it! I was like, wtf?

We get out and start walking toward my apartment and I tell him he can stay until he sobers up. He says ok. As we're walking, he throws his can in the bushes and I'm like, you asshole, what are you doing? I pick the can up and carry it to my house.

We get to my house and he starts looking for more alcohol. I don't have any, so I tell him to get away from me.

I am being super mean, I mean SUPER MEAN to this man all night and he doesn't seem to get it, or he actually likes it. It's so bizarre.

I say, hey, I'm going to make up the couch for you so you can stay for a couple hours. As I'm making up the couch, he goes and lies on my bed. He immediately falls asleep and is snoring SOOOOOOO loudly. I go in and I start shaking him and calling his name. He will NOT wake up. He just snores and sort of moves a bit.

So, I go lie on the couch. Every hour I try to wake him up. Finally, at 4am, I get him to wake up. He is just grossing me out.  He smells like cigarettes and beer.

He leaves, I have to wash everything on my bed to get the smell out...

THEN, he texts me later and says, hey, do you want to hang out later? I wish I would have kept the text message because I ripped him a new one. 

I wrote something to the effect of, "You showed up drunk to the date, you continually smoked, you reeked, you checked out the waitress in front of me, I paid for my drinks and yours, you slept in my bed like a complete jerk and then you wouldn't wake up. Yeah, I totally want to go out with you again."

His response, "lol, you're funny."

Sigh.

The Three Douchesketeers

It's been a while since I updated this blog, so I thought I'd do a quick post about a couple guys I dated when I lived in Seattle. Keep in mind, these were sad situations for me, but looking back I do find some of it ridiculous and I've learned a lot. This is stuff I haven't shared with a lot of people, so it was tough to write it down and remember it again...

I tend to nickname men I go out with. It might be mean, but it makes for easier explanations.

Small Paul

Paul was a guy I met on eharmony, he was cute, had a great sense of humor, worked at a company that was altruistic and gave back to the community, he was also gentleman. 

The catch? He was 5'0.  Now, I don't have a problem with men and height, but he was *really* short.  I  found it humorous because he drove a Toyota FJ Cruiser, so when he got into it, he really had to jump up and climb in. It ends up that his dad was a jockey and that's why he was tiny. 

We went out on 3 dates, and things seemed to be going well. Then, I stopped hearing from him. He just didn't call or text. Finally, he responded and said that he had gotten back with his ex-girlfriend and they were going to give it another try.  So, another one bites the dust.

Well, a month passes by and one night I get a text at about 2am from him, something to the effect of "come over, etc, etc".  I text him back and ask him what the heck is he thinking. He tells me that he meant to text his girlfriend and accidentally texted me. (really?)  He asks me to come over and I say no (duh). He then says that he and his girlfriend re-booted their relationship but she refuses to get physical with him for a while. I tell him he's disgusting and to delete my number. 

I learned this: Ask up front how long it's been since the guy has broken up with his girlfriend. In general if it's been less than 6 months, the guy is not a viable candidate. 

The Cop
I met the Cop on eharmony as well. Now, it's sort of a known thing that eharmony is a site where people would like to find someone to enter into a more serious relationship with.

We hit it off right away, he was well-read, intelligent and a good communicator.  He was attentive, interested and made time to go out on dates with me. I thought to myself, this is going well, but don't get too far ahead of yourself.

Same thing happens as with Small Paul. He just stops calling and texting. After about 3 weeks I hear from him and he tells me he's reconnected with a previous girlfriend and he wants to see where it will go. I am disappointed, but I understand. Two weeks go by and he calls me again and asks me out. I make the assumption that he's stopped dating her. Well, um, that wasn't the case.  We go out and I ask him why he chose me to go out with instead of her. He says he didn't choose me. He's dating both of us. I'm sort of shocked, because I really thought he was a good man. I ask him why he is still seeing me. He says because, "You're fun". 

That was the last time I saw him.  He texted me and says he wants to get together to explain and can I see him for coffee. I say ok, he chooses the date. It happens to be Valentine's Day.  I tell him it's Valentine's, he says no way can we go out that night, let's reschedule. I never hear from him again.

I learned this: Start out with the assumption that if men can go out with more than woman at a time, they will.  (I know, I know, a generalization once again, but this has happened to me a number of times, so I'm speaking from experience.)

The Ring Bearer
I met the Ring Bearer through match.com. None of his photos really showed his face, except for one where he was reading books to small children at the library (this is not uncommon, when people don't show their faces on dating sites). He lived an hour away, but drove down to go to dinner with me in Seattle.  As we chatted, he explained a lot about his background, how he was originally in the seminary and then dropped out and became an atheist and a carpenter (this wasn't lost on me). He bragged that he was in the Rotary Club in the town he lived in. He was involved in his community and he worked a lot. He seemed down to earth and self confident.

He was wearing a ring when we met up and I jokingly asked if he was married, he said no, it was a gift from his mother who had passed away.  For some reason I didn't question that.  (I'm naive.) He moved the ring to a different finger.

We finish dinner and I head back home. All of a sudden, I get all these freaked out text messages from him. He's lost his ring. He's beside himself, he asks me to look in my purse, etc.  He calls me back and tells me he finds it in his car. I keep wondering, why is he getting so upset about the ring, but then didn't give it another thought.

Another two weeks passes and he can't make time to go out, but we talk on the phone, email and text.  I'm not sure why I didn't research him on the internet after we went out the first time, he told me he didn't believe in Facebook, and some people don't use it, so I didn't question that. I implicitly trusted him and he seemed sincere.  We went out a couple more times and I asked him what his intentions were with seeing me, he told me it could never progress past dating because that wasn't what he wanted from the relationship. I was bummed, but I enjoyed his company, so I figured I would see how it went.

Friday night came and we chatted on the phone, then I was bored and I started looking him up on the internet. What was the first thing I found? A photo of him with his 2 year old and newborn baby. At that point I was more disgusted than upset. I kept searching, found photos of he and his wife, they had been married 7 years or something. They had a baby about 3 months before we met.

I called him out on it and wrote him a long message. 

Excerpt from my email to him:

"I am sincerely amazed at how dishonest you are.  I can only choose to believe that *every single thing you told me was a lie*. This is incredible; because I was seriously convinced you were different than all the others.  Well, you are not. You are worse.  More than anything, I can’t fathom why you would do this to your wife and children. Is this the example you want to set for your sons? Your behavior is reprehensible."

Excerpt from his response:
"I will only explain my actions to you if you so desire. I don’t know if you even care or, & no offense to you, would even believe me anyway. I’ll leave that one to you. Other than that I can only say that you are blameless in this whole scenario & any further pain you may feel should be directed to me only. I do hate the fact that I was honestly trying to help someone & I missed the mark so badly. I can’t begin to tell you how ashamed I am of my actions. I was misguided & foolish. I know firsthand what it’s like to be a part of a broken family & my actions (& my actions ONLY) cause that very thing to happen. I would hate to continue the trend in my family that those before me now regret.

I think I had so much trouble walking away from you because I feel something for you. I also want to let you know that you are completely clean as far as any remote possibility of potential repercussions. I will NEVER, EVER EVER hang you out to dry. Your name, location, picture, #, email, all gone & that is the one bit of info I will take to my death. I suppose it’s fortunate for me that she said it would be more hurtful to know. Fortunate is probably the wrong word to use but I can’t think of a better way to phrase it."

-----

The ironic thing about his response, is that he turns it around on me at the end, like I'm the one who needs to worry about *his* actions and that I'm blameless. And that he's protecting me. What a douche and a sociopath.

I am not a vindictive person, I did not want to destroy a family, so I never contacted his wife. I just hope that he never did this again to someone else. 

PS - He never told his wife.

I learned this: Much as it sucks to be suspicious or inquisitive about a person or their actions (which is not in my nature), it's necessary.  Also, I need to stop ignoring my gut reactions. 

---
I know these are sort of melancholy stories, but this is the kind of stuff that happens, truly. Not sure what else to say besides that.

This is the Tale of Captain Jack Sparrow

For some reason, a number men on the Okcupid site post photos of themselves as Captain Jack Sparrow.

I'm so curious about this. Is it meant to be appealing?

Is there a target demographic of women who love pirates?

I don't know, just asking.

SNL Digital Short - Michael Bolton

Have a connection on some level

I've been busy, so I haven't had a chance to write any stories yet.

Anyhow, I saw this link on someone's profile and I thought I'd share it. It's super telling on how the online dating process works.

http://www.zdnet.com/blog/violetblue/ten-fake-profiles-one-okcupid-experiment-okcupid-on-trial/1405

--------

*I should also note that the person who posted this link sent me a message similar to this one:

I don't mean to disrespect you in any way, but I'm looking for an FWB relationship with an older woman that also consists of a lot of other activities. I'm not looking to just hit it then leave, but if you that's what you want, then sure. 

I'd like to talk a bit before and after so we have a connection on some level. Reason being: I'm too busy with work and love that older women don't play games. I'm fit, intelligent, and can definitely hold an intelligent conversation. 

I respect privacy and your decision. I know we all have needs and if you are in any way attracted to me and would like to meet, just let me know :) 

Survival Skillz

I've learned many different things while dating that are key to survival and/or expedite the process.

Here they are - in no particular order, all experiences from online dating.

Practical assumptions/learnings:

1) Your date will always be heavier and/or older than any of their photos on the online dating site.

2) The same goes for height, usually they are shorter than they say in their profile.

3) Be prepared to pay for your own drink/lunch/dinner/coffee/app.

4) You will be asked to text naked photos to your prospective date (75% of the time).

5) If the guy does not ask you at least one question about yourself during the date, kick them to the curb.

6) If you're late 30's or early 40's be ready to receive messages from guys age 22-30, they want to brag to their friends they dated a cougar, among other things.

7) *Never* have more than one glass of wine while out on a date. Trust me on this one.

8) Read their online dating profile VERY carefully (even if some of it is made up), you could miss some big deal breakers and go on a date and the entire time be thinking, "crap, what a waste of time". For example, "I only smoke when I drink" will translate to chain smoker.

9)Always ask the guy to text you before the date. #10 explains why.

10) Always do a background check before your first or second date or if you get a bad vibe about the guy. You can do this by paying for a reverse phone number look up. It's about $12-$15.  Get it here:
https://www.intelius.com/reverse-phone-lookup.html

It gives you name, mailing address and email address, so you can internet stalk them and find them on facebook or twitter or google+ or whatevs.

11) The reason for #10 is that some people think it's cool to make up a name and occupation for different reasons.  I've had this happen twice.

12) Another thing I just remembered is that I've seen a lot of people list their age as younger than they are, sometimes they explain that they are older in their profile, and sometimes they just don't tell you. This is mostly because of the search parameters of the dating site. Most people will search for 35-45, so the guys who are 48 are out of luck. Hence their desire to lower their age, to get more views.

Hope this is enlightening.

Couple of notes:
I'm not the best writer, I know how to write a good English paper on Paradise Lost and a marketing plan, but this is my first time writing a blog. Writer and editor friends - I appreciate your patience. :)

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE post your experiences too, if you feel comfortable. I love to hear if other people have had the same sort of things happen to them.

xoxo

Single & Ready to Mangle

So here I am.

Single, 40 years old, divorced, trying to navigate the wild west of dating. Trust me, being single and ready to mingle is not all it's cracked up to be.

I hear a lot of this kind of thing from my friends (most of them who are in relationships): "Dating must be awesome!", "Just go out there and have fun!", "You're so lucky!", "Don't worry, you'll meet someone once you stop looking", "You could go out to dinner EVERY NIGHT and have it paid for!".

Seriously. WTF people?

Dating can be fun, awkward, sad, ridiculous, surprising and many, many other things. For those of you who have dated in your adult lives, you can probably relate.

I'm going to chronicle some of my experiences in this blog.  I can't guarantee you'll laugh or you'll cry, but that's ok, since I've done those for you already. 

I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this, it might be about specific people or it could be about experiences. I'll just see how it goes.

Also: I know it's going to be hard not to judge me, my decisions or my actions, so go ahead, I won't take it personally and I'll understand. :-)

PS: There will also be some sweeping generalizations regarding men, so please don't take offense. I know that some of you do not belong in the generalized category.